One of the common problems experienced by AS people is lack of self-esteem and shame about feeling different. I must say that I have not been alien to this in different stages of my life.
Some AS people blame themselves for the inability to act as the neurotypicals do, so they became angry with themselves and the whole world. Others try to blend in in a desperate manner, while others retreat to their shells and hide, in order to avoid being seen as faulty goods.
These responses are understandable, however I believe they are not the best strategies to live a fulfilling life.
As I mentioned in another article, the reality is that the neurotypical society is not going to change to accommodate us. I remember an analogy that I read about AS living in a neurotypical led society:
“England is not going to change its official language to accommodate any foreign language speaking population.”
It is also true that although there is a protective legal framework against disability discrimination, legislation alone cannot change what is inside the heart of man.
With this I am saying that we AS People do not have control over what people think or how they react to us (I am not saying that we should not use the existent legal framework to challenge discrimination if needed in in the work place for example).
We can work effectively and produce change in the scope where we can have inference in, and this is in ourselves, and in consequence, in our responses to the external world.
We must work especially hard to not depend on the opinions of others for our happiness and mental wellbeing, because if we allow this, we are accepting a heavy chain for life.
One practical advice I read, and that has stayed with me, is as follows: Do not allow yourself to be elated if somebody thinks or says you are great, or be in the pits of despair if somebody thinks that you are a failure.
How wise is this, as thirst for approval is a recipe for human misery for both AS and neurotypical people alike. How futile it is to depend on other people’s opinions in order to construct a healthy image of ourselves. The tragedy of our times is that we do this.
The innate nature of man is so changeable and unreliable, that what is considered worthy of value in the eyes of people today, tomorrow can be despised. To believe what people think and say about ourselves, and make it the template of our worth, is foolish and dangerous, mainly because it impinges on our autonomy.
People are entitled to their opinions and it is their prerogative, however we should not under any circumstance construct the building of our self-esteem with bricks that belong to somebody else.
I believe it is wise to accept both praise and criticism with the same response; that is with equanimity, and in this manner, to find an emotional balance by avoiding big highs and lows.
What a challenge for everybody! and especially for AS people, as we tend to be people of extremes. So, to find equanimity is a big enterprise, therefore, it is wise to receive any praise and criticism with the same attitude, and what must be set in stone is the unquestionable reality, that in this life everything is transitory; everything is temporal, and nothing stays forever.
When I am trying hard to follow my own advice, I remember St Therese of Avila’s words:
“Let nothing disturb you, let nothing frighten you. All things are passing away: God never changes. Patience obtains all things. Whoever has God lacks nothing; God alone suffices.”
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